Dante DuBois. He’s ShamWOW!

Dog baths and ShamWows.

So, how much water does your dog hold?

My dog is a bulldog mix out of Taylor County, Florida. He and his sister, who is fawn while Dante is blue, made their way into Pinellas County by way of downstream relinquishment agreements with a backyard breeder. Dante DuBois is a brilliant boy and holds 20.72 liters of water. I know this because metrics, math, and a test squeeze series of his tail. His tail holds .71 liter of water. I rung it out three times, found the median, and extrapolated square cm of fur from the rest of his measurements.

Dante his first week in our home. He decided within a few hours that looking over the couch was his jam.

I chased him into corners with a measuring tape to take those. I averaged, eyeballed, and came up with 4748 square cm of dog. Not including his head because he shoved it under the couch and I couldn’t get the data.

Dante can sop up 20 liters of water from a half-filled bathtub like a biscuit in gravy. He leaves half that in the two towels on the floor afterwards. I use a “drying” towel to pretend I’m getting him dry. He knows I’m pretending. I know it. The towel knows it. Only Earth’s gravity can get water off this dog. He’s leaning into me now as I rub his head with the “drying” towel which is unnecessary because I never soaked his head. I just washed it with a rag gentle like. I finish his head. And quick pull the rubber plug from the tub drain signaling another successful bath completed.

The tub is emptying. Dante’s seated on a thick red resort sized towel we bought at Clearwater mall in 1999. One of four. They don’t make towels like these anymore. I refuse to throw them out. They’re battle tested and refuse to give up. Dante sits wedged in the corner of the bathroom where the door meets the wall. Gravity and towel fibers pull water from his feet and butt. He’s self drying the same way a ShamWow cloth does if you leave it laying out. Not much, but you can see something’s happening. I apply the “drying” towel over the parts of him that don’t include the parts wedged against the house’s structure.

“We’re done. We have to wait for your butt to dry. Relax.” Dante uses his abused dog face. Like the “drying” towel, it’s a lie. He fell asleep sitting in the tub…